My thoughts after “As the deer...”
My brain is constantly swimming with words and thoughts, yet talking isn’t exactly my strength. I don’t know what the deal is. I obviously know how to talk, and it’s not like I have nothing to say... everyone has stuff to say. Yet people regularly ask me “what’s on your mind?” or “what are you thinking about?” and I freeze. In that moment it’s as if I can’t find any words; every last one of them eludes me. So, what’s the big deal? So talking isn’t a “strength” per say... HERE’S the big deal! Forget the talking thing... that was just a mini rant. The big deal is that I have a problem! My brain is sprinting like mad, and I STILL can’t figure out where I’m going! God has a plan and a purpose for everyone’s live. And it has come to my attention that those who I hang out with generally know or at least have some idea of what that plan is... and then there’s me... I have NO IDEA!
I’m a planner. I like to know what to expect. God knows this. He created me, for Pete’s sake! So WHY don’t I have any inkling about said life plan & purpose?! What am I doing (or not doing) that is stopping God from communicating this very important information to me? How come everyone else hears God speaking to their heart or feels him move in an area of their life? Why am I stuck in this stupid place where I don’t hardly hear or feel anything?! I’m scared to move because I can’t see the path, and I have no idea where my foot is going to land. Yet, I’m even more scared to stay here and miss out on the life God has planned for me. I’m not doubting God or saying that he’s left me in the dust of anything. On no; I know he’s here! I’m the problem. I have to be...I mean, it’s surely not HIM. I don’t want to be the “other brother” [Luke 15:28-32] or Martha [Luke 10:38-42]. They missed the point. I do not want to miss the point! But at the same time, I can’t figure it out. So now what do I do...?
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” – Psalm 42:11
- Kayla Johnson